Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My guest hunk dishes on kissing styles...slurp

Photos by Kymm on etsy.com
[Mystery guest blogger 'X' debuts on Scrollwork today with a weighty dialectic on an intriguing aspect of human behavior.]

Kissing is a beautiful thing. It is a connection of two individuals in an intimate way. It indicates trust, affection, and passion at the same time. It can be as casual as a passing greeting, or it can be a precursor to so much more.

I’ve dedicated my own time to extensive research and concluded there are three types of kisses: Peaches, Prunes, and Alfalfa.
Peaches are casual kisses. Think of what your mouth does during the first syllable of the word. I know you’re doing it right now and I hope you checked to make sure that no one is watching. Peaches are the type of kisses given to a long-term friend, a family member, or by one Latin person to another. Within many families, this quick, tight-lipped, low-sounding peck has just a little bit more to it than a quick hug. 

CottonTimes on etsy.com
Sometimes the lips don’t actually touch the cheek, but instead float just above the face. It’s important that this kiss have a slight kissing sound so the recipient knows that there was the intention of affection. These kisses are often done with the eyes open so as to not indicate too much intimacy. Most commonly these are given to friends (with no benefits) and family.
You didn't really expect a prune pic, did you?
Prunes are slightly more sensual and intimate. For those of you keeping track, they are called prunes because of the way your mouth puckers when you say the word (go ahead and try it, I’ll wait). Now these types of kisses are reserved for times when you want to linger a bit on the cheek or lips of the recipient. They might be categorized as a little juicier than the peaches, and it always works better when the other person reciprocates with a prune of their own. Prunes are very enjoyable and often occur as a precursor to more intimate kissing.
Prunes are great to give when you are testing the water and trying to determine if there is more on the way. Prunes are often accompanied by an embrace before and after the kiss. Warmth is the key. The kiss should be natural and not forced, which will avoid giving a creepy feeling if you move in for a prune too soon. These kisses are most often given to people with whom you want to share a brief intimate moment and to those with whom you might share an attraction. Creepy example — Richard Dawson on the ‘70s Family Feud, and also the weird older uncle who is just a little too affectionate.
My personal favorite kiss is Alfalfa. By now I’m sure you’ve figured out the pattern. Alfalfa (named after how your tongue moves when you say it) is more commonly referred to as French kissing (Merci, my French friends). Alfalfa is the type of kissing reserved for only those times when you feel such passion that you can’t help but open your mouth and touch tongues. Okay, I know that said this way, it loses a little of the romance, but alfalfa isn’t really all that romantic. Think of that movie scene where two characters are intimately sharing prunes. The moment you see the tongue of either character, I’m reminded of the iguana that is slowly preparing to strike the praying mantis, which is eight inches away. Not cute, people. Especially in the movie when they slowly part and there’s a thread of saliva connected from lip to lip. 

Alfalfa is not for public viewing (Do you hear me, movie daters? Save it for the car ride home). Passion must be controlled with any of the kissing types. And each person might do well to test the waters a bit; otherwise strange things can happen. If you go in too fast, you risk clicking teeth. If you decide you want to add a little nibble and pull, you might want to check with the other person to see if they are open to having their lips tested for elasticity. Too much tongue is up to you two (re: the "happy puppy"), and too little tongue is just not fun (in my opinion).

I look forward to my next Peaches, Prunes, and especially Alfalfas. So if it happens to be one of you, dear readers, please, spit out your gum, regulate your suction, and get ready for me (we saxophone players are supposed to be great kissers).
Emily Peacock Tapestry on etsy.com
"It's Over, Barbara" by The Frantic Meerkat on etsy.com


My name is X and I have a problem. I think of weird stuff. It comes to me at all hours. I think of the weirdest things at the most random times. Scrollwork told me that my musings on the absurd would be interesting fodder for a blog. I never thought about sharing the weirdness that is ME with the world, but I decided that would be a great way to let others know the real me. Think about it: Your close friends are better understood when you find out what makes them unique and different. I hope you learned a thing or two about me (anonymous as I am).


  1. As Aretha Franklin sang: If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss.

  2. I'll have to keep a cheat sheet so I don't accidentally give the wrong type of kiss to a friend with no benefits. Fun post! :)

  3. Or just spread the benefits around ; ) hehe

  4. Very funny! I will have to keep the list close to me to know which one I am doing...have you thought of editing an exhaustive catalog?

  5. Forgot to mention that true experts might want to combine the three. Mix and match for the most enjoyable effects. You might also know that you can give 1/2 prunes and 1/2 alfalfa also (a quick taste of the lips). All good. How can you go wrong?

  6. A catalog! Now there's an idea. As it is, I've been mentally assigning peach, prune or alfalfa to the objects of my smooching fantasies. Simon Baker (The Mentalist) is definitely deserving of an alfalfa (right, Kenya?)

    X, what you're describing is a fruit salad with hay fever on the side, m'luv.

  7. Prun-alfa, alfalfa, alfalfa! (with his wife's permission, of course) ;D

  8. What a relief to know Blogger's back in biz and allowing comments again! I don't think I backed up my last two posts.

    Kenya, like I'm sure you ask permission for your fantasies, mmm-hmmm!

  9. Mr. Baker and any man would be lucky to have that sequence of smoochin'. Party on, Kenya!

  10. osculation manual duly amended. hopefully, with these guidelines, there wont be any lapses in deportment. :)

  11. And you told me you don't blog about food!

  12. Shelley, guest blogger X does—not me! We really are two separate people, and he's not my imaginary friend ; )

  13. I'm definitely NOT a figment of Scrollwork's imagination, Shelley, but hopefully I reside in the imagination of a woman or two out in the blogosphere with this post - it's worth saying again that I play the saxophone (and have the Latin lover thing going for me).

  14. This was very funny. I didn't know kisses had names, but it somehow makes sense. When I got to Alfalfa and saw the horse's photo, I wondered if I'd ever be able to kiss with a straight face again? :)

  15. Jeannie, that may be why we close our eyes when we kiss! ; )

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